How to Make Your Very Own Statutory Declaration

Statutory declarations seem to be the rage these days, the latest coming from P.Balasubramaniam, the former private investigator of disgraced political analyst Abdul Razak Baginda. We at kampunghouse are ever eager to adopt a trend, so as a service to our fellow Malaysians, we’d like to give a rough guide to making your own statutory declaration. After all, why should only prominent bloggers and private investigators get to risk their lives and come up with a statutory declaration? This is a free country (or at least pretending to be) and every Malaysian should have the right to draw up their own legally-binding statements if they wish to.

Everybody knows sex sells. So for a really explosive document, we recommend a judicious amount of sexual detail. Spice things up with some guns, blackmail and a sprinkling of violence and you have the statutory equivalent of a daytime soap opera. And this being Malaysia, things will not be complete without the involvement of the token politician. But where can we possibly find a scandalous local politician with a penchant for extra-curricular sex? Mmm we wonder….

Contrary to popular opinion or what your conscience tells you, statutory declarations are not an accessory of justice; they are not used to uphold the law. As explained by our honorable Deputy Prime Minister Najib Razak, statutory declarations can sometimes be “a mere fabrication with malicious intention and slanderous element”. Well if the Deputy PM says so then it must be true.

While we at kampunghouse admit to lacking any moral authority whatsoever, we beseech you, that should you ever come up with a sexually explicit statutory declaration, to stay clear from any mention of activities involving the anus. Maybe it’s just a coincidence, but the two statements that have recently been publicized have mentioned sodomy and a susceptibility to anal sex. We have been the butt of jokes ever since a foreigner mistook the Petronas Twin Towers as the world’s tallest penises, do we now want people to call us the anal hole of Asia?