There’s Nothing Quite as Ex as an Ex-PM

Reading the Malaysian papers these days – itself an act that can at best be described as anti-intelligent – we sometimes wonder if a time machine’s been invented and we’re back in the 90s. As ex-Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad makes a comeback in the headlines, we can only sigh over the double-despair of being administered by the lackluster Abdullah Badawi while having to endure the tireless ranting of the ex-Premier. There is now a small and growing cult of supporters dedicated to the preservation of the memories of Mahathir’s Malaysia, then a country renewed by ambition and confidence, armed with the zeal to stick it to the colonial masters and climb the stage of global recognition. This was the era when attention-seeking was a patriotic duty, and so we built the world’s third-longest bridge, the tallest towers, the third-tallest telecommunications structure, the biggest ketupat, the most number of lemang consumed in one day…the list goes on.

But we also remember that much of this development was built on the back of unhindered corruption, rampant cronyism and a sycophantic political culture which treats dissent, even constructive criticism, as if it were a plague that needs to be rid of at all costs. That culture of subservience that Mahathir Mohamad so craftily cultivated may have meant a relatively easy time for him as Prime Minister, but it has left us with a generation of slavish, unthinking leaders unaccustomed to debate and criticism from the people whose vote brought them to office in the first place. These politicians, whose greatest contribution is saying “yes” on cue, are as useful to the democratic process as a rubber stamp. While we acknowledge the ex-Premier’s deeds to this country and admire his intellectual rigor, his present ranting do not actually benefit anybody, and only serves to further diminish his reputation as one of Asia’s great statesmen.

UMNO: The Only Party That Is Consistent

There are many nasty things you could say about UMNO, and many have done so, but if there is one thing everybody would agree on, it is that this party has been very consistent. The United Malays National Organization is perhaps second only to George W. Bush in consistently delivering ridiculous statements to the unsuspecting public. Mahathir Mohamad is unanimously regarded as the man responsible for laying the groundwork for UMNO’s disastrous PR maneuvers, annoying journalists with his ‘apa nama?’ response and consistently forgetting important details while clearly remembering imaginary events, such as Anwar Ibrahim’s extracurricular homosexual activities.

UMNO may have been complacent over the years and diverted from its mission to champion the rights of the downtrodden, but its leaders have never forgotten to bless the people of Malaysia with statements and gestures that are nothing short of bizarre. Some of us may not be able to recall UMNO’s original founders but all of us would always remember that fateful day when common sense lost its way and Hishammuddin Hussein Onn mistook a keris for a mineral water bottle.

UMNO has once again proven to the doubters out there that it is the only party that can be trusted in issuing silly statements that make even the terminally foolish Bush seem intelligent by comparison. UMNO vice-president Mohd Ali Rustam recently joined the chorus of senior Penang UMNO leaders in calling for a moratorium on all BN mega projects in the state. “We have to stop all major projects in Penang as this is what the people wanted” declared Ali Rustam with the supreme confidence only an UMNO veep can muster. Actually, they wanted greater transparency and an end to corruption, but perhaps Ali Rustam missed that sentiment.

“If we stop all major projects, the people would realise what they had lost and would then come back to the BN”, said the Malacca Chief Minister, echoing a theory popular among the allegedly educated folks at UMNO. This playing-hard-to-get thing might work if UMNO was an attractive lady and the guy is chasing, but when your party is plagued by mismanagement and the people have lost faith, blackmailing them is the last thing you should be doing. Who is UMNO’s PR chief and what is he smoking? If only each and every Malaysian emulated the uncompromising consistency displayed by the good folks at UMNO, then our buses will always run on time, our nasi lemak will always taste good and Malaysia will be a better country to live in. Stay tuned for the next set of ridiculous UMNO statements, coming to a mainstream media outlet near you.

Opposition Supporters Rally Behind Pak Lah

Amid growing calls for Abdullah Badawi to resign as Prime Minister following the shock losses suffered by Barisan Nasional in the just-concluded general elections, a grouping of opposition supporters today rallied at an undisclosed location in support of Pak Lah. The supporters were seen carrying banners with the slogan “Stay another 5 years” and “Keep doing what you’re doing, it’s clearly working” as the factors resulting in Saturday’s big win for the Opposition became clear. “Our victory in the recent General Election is 99.99% due to Abdullah”, said one jubilant PKR supporter, borrowing from the infamous and mathematically inaccurate analysis of Umno secretary-general Khalil Yaakob during the landslide 2004 elections.

There have been persistent rumours that Abdullah Badawi might be suffering from deafness when he was quoted as saying “I don’t know who is pressuring me to quit”, despite a call to resign from the very noisy ex-Premier Mahathir Mohamad. “People are saying the PM is out of touch, but I think it’s a simple case of deafness,” claimed Dr Noor Hayati Abu Samah, a senior ENT (ear-nose-throat) specialist at the Subang Jaya Medical Centre. Some opposition supporters, however, are indifferent to the PM’s future. “Even if he resigns, he will most likely be succeeded by Najib Razak, and we know many Malaysians are uncomfortable with him and his equally unlikable partner,” said concerned citizen turned armchair political analyst Chee Soon Chuan. “I may not be a professional political analyst like Abdul Razak Baginda, but even I can tell that UMNO is in a bit of a mess”.

-Ihsan TakdaNama, berita tidak rasmi Malaysia.