UMNO: The Only Party That Is Consistent

There are many nasty things you could say about UMNO, and many have done so, but if there is one thing everybody would agree on, it is that this party has been very consistent. The United Malays National Organization is perhaps second only to George W. Bush in consistently delivering ridiculous statements to the unsuspecting public. Mahathir Mohamad is unanimously regarded as the man responsible for laying the groundwork for UMNO’s disastrous PR maneuvers, annoying journalists with his ‘apa nama?’ response and consistently forgetting important details while clearly remembering imaginary events, such as Anwar Ibrahim’s extracurricular homosexual activities.

UMNO may have been complacent over the years and diverted from its mission to champion the rights of the downtrodden, but its leaders have never forgotten to bless the people of Malaysia with statements and gestures that are nothing short of bizarre. Some of us may not be able to recall UMNO’s original founders but all of us would always remember that fateful day when common sense lost its way and Hishammuddin Hussein Onn mistook a keris for a mineral water bottle.

UMNO has once again proven to the doubters out there that it is the only party that can be trusted in issuing silly statements that make even the terminally foolish Bush seem intelligent by comparison. UMNO vice-president Mohd Ali Rustam recently joined the chorus of senior Penang UMNO leaders in calling for a moratorium on all BN mega projects in the state. “We have to stop all major projects in Penang as this is what the people wanted” declared Ali Rustam with the supreme confidence only an UMNO veep can muster. Actually, they wanted greater transparency and an end to corruption, but perhaps Ali Rustam missed that sentiment.

“If we stop all major projects, the people would realise what they had lost and would then come back to the BN”, said the Malacca Chief Minister, echoing a theory popular among the allegedly educated folks at UMNO. This playing-hard-to-get thing might work if UMNO was an attractive lady and the guy is chasing, but when your party is plagued by mismanagement and the people have lost faith, blackmailing them is the last thing you should be doing. Who is UMNO’s PR chief and what is he smoking? If only each and every Malaysian emulated the uncompromising consistency displayed by the good folks at UMNO, then our buses will always run on time, our nasi lemak will always taste good and Malaysia will be a better country to live in. Stay tuned for the next set of ridiculous UMNO statements, coming to a mainstream media outlet near you.

Is Hishamuddin Hussein Onn Always This Angry?

Questions over Hishamuddin Hussein Onn’s mental stability resurfaced again when the education minister became “irate” over parents’ confusion on school fees. He was reported by the New Straits Times as being “not too pleased” with parents who were seeking refund after learning that certain school fees were only ‘recommended’ but not ‘compulsory’.

The minister, who was widely ridiculed over his amateurish keris-wielding stunts at the UMNO General Assembly, shot back at parents, telling them to “go ahead, take your money back”. The issue here has got less to do with Malaysian parents being stingy than a lack of proper information on the part of the Education Ministry. It is a natural reaction for parents –especially during these times of rising costs – to be less-than-willing to pay a fee they are not obliged to. It is precisely because of this, that it becomes even more urgent for the Ministry to explain thoroughly the benefits that will be channeled to the school community through these non-compulsory payments. Malaysian parents are well-known for emphasizing their child’s education, so their complaints against extra charges has less to do with the financial aspect than confusion over the abolishment of school fees that was announced by the government last September.

It is unfortunate that M. Kayveas, the Deputy Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department, seems to take more interest in this matter when he called for school charges to be standardized to avoid confusion. It is even more unfortunate that the Education Minister refuses to listen to such suggestions, instead telling Kayveas to “wait until he’s education minister to solve all the problems”. If only we all had that luxury, Hishamuddin. The problems are staring at you straight in the eye, and the best you can come up with are cheap shots at confused parents and a concerned deputy minister. Grow up.

Jaguh Kampung Of The Month

Malaysian society is mired in a perpetual fixation with handing out awards and titles, and although our economic outlook is posted at 5% this year, early indicators point to a steady 8% growth per annum for datukship entitlements over the next decade, with the likelihood of a higher rate if either the Sultan of Pahang or the Yang Di-Pertuan Besar Negeri Sembilan choose to increase the already high figures of datukships handed out by the two states. As true-blue Malaysians, we would like to do our part in maintaining this culture of award ceremonies by presenting the ‘Jaguh Kampung’ award each month to the Malaysian we deem as most deserving of this highest honour. The Anugerah Jaguh Kampung recipient would encapsulate the mediocre and most absurd of Malaysian sensibilities, and we are proud to present this month’s inaugural Jaguh Kampung award to Umno Youth President Hishamuddin Hussein Onn for his overzealous rhetoric and keris-swaying demeanour at the recently-concluded UMNO General Assembly.

Hishamuddin was featured in this site’s inaugural post, “Kewarasan Hishamuddin Hussein Onn Dipersoal“, where his mental stability was questioned amid the ultra-national and fascist tones of his speech. His behaviour on and off-stage resembled a person on the verge of amok and it was quite worrying to witness a wannabe Prime Minister behaving in such irrational conduct. Just as Scandinavians possess a tendency towards alcoholism and Latinos are born with hip-swaying genes, we Malays are renowned for our amok DNA. Apparently it’s in our blood to just suddenly go psycho and kill off the entire village with a blunt keris. Incidentally, amok is one of the few Malay words registered in English dictionaries, although it’s been altered to ‘amuck’ and pronounced in a weird way that sounds more like ‘emak’.

In a recent interview with Joceline Tan of The Star, Hishamuddin denied his brandishing of the keris as a violent gesture towards non-Malays, viewing it instead as a cultural symbol to “motivate the Malays”. Hmm, Encik Hishamuddin, what’s wrong with a book? Brandishing a book – preferably something with an intellectual content, not your trashy tabloid Mastika – would be a far better symbol to motivate the Malays, given our poor academic and intellectual standing amongst other Malaysians. No, a book would be too sensible. No self-respecting amok would go about terrorizing the whole village with the complete set of Encyclopedia Brittanica. Thank you, Hishamuddin, for making us realise there’s an amok in each and every one of us. For that you deserve the Jaguh Kampung Bulan November award.

Kewarasan Hishamuddin Hussein Onn Dipersoal

TANJUNG RAMBUTAN – Banyak yang sedang diperkatakan terhadap Persidangan Agung UMNO dan elemen berunsur perkauman dan ugutan yang disampaikan segolongan para perwakilan, kebanyakannya dipercayai tidak mempunyai asas pendidikan yang tinggi. Ketua Pemuda UMNO, Hishamuddin Hussein Onn, dibidas oleh sesetengah pihak yang sudah naik lemas dengan karenahnya yang kelihatan tidak siuman di atas pentas. Walaubagaimanapun, reaksi paling keras datang daripada Persatuan Pahlawan Silat Se-Malaysia (SEPASAL), yang tersinggung dengan cara amatur Hishamuddin Hussein Onn memegang kerisnya itu.

“Saya khuatir Encik Hishamuddin kita ni sebenarnya tidak pernah bersilat, apa lagi memegang keris,” kata salah seorang ahli SEPASAL, yang hanya mahu dikenali sebagai Mahaguru Anon Nimas. Tambah beliau, keris, yang merupakan satu simbol kebanggaan warisan Melayu, tidak sepatutnya dilontar-lentir seperti yang diperlakukan Ketua Pemuda UMNO itu. “Ini bukan alat permainan seperti robot Power Ranger merah jambu,” katanya. Pengerusi Yayasan Pesakit Mental Malaysia, Puan Kasimah Selamat, menyatakan rasa bimbang beliau terhadap keadaan emosi Hishamuddin Hussein Onn. Kata beliau, politik merupakan salah satu pekerjaan yang paling membebankan. Jikalau benarlah khabar angin yang mengatakan Hishamuddin di ambang kehilangan akal, ini bukan pertama kali kes hilang akal telah melanda suasana politik negara ini. Gambar-gambar dari Persidangan UMNO itu menampilkan Hishamuddin dan ahli-ahli politik kelas kedua di belakangnya melonjakkan tangan seperti menuntut kemenangan, yang menimbulkan tanda tanya sekiranya mereka bercita-cita menubuhkan negara Fasis seperti yang diidamkan seorang lagi ahli politik kurang waras dan kurang pendidikan, Adolf Hitler.

Penganalisa politik tempatan, yang juga tidak mahu namanya disebarkan menjelaskan, perbandingan antara Hishamuddin dengan Hitler (lebih popular dengan nama samaran 2H) hanyalah dari segi zahir sahaja. “Pada saya, hanya hidung mereka yang agak besar serta mancung sahaja yang boleh dikatakan serupa,”. Mungkin adegan keris dan ucapan terlebih emosi dan jeritan itu hanyalah sekadar latihan buat Hishamuddin, yang ada hati untuk menaiki takhta Perdana Menteri Malaysia apabila beliau sudah cukup umur. Walaubagaimanapun, tanda tanya ke atas tahap kewarasannya masih berlegar di fikiran ramai rakyat Malaysia.

 -Ihsan TakdaNama (agensi berita tidak rasmi Malaysia)